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[备考经验] [练习第五周] 作文天天练!找对方法练!GRE作文有奖征文大赛--第五周

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发表于 2015-9-28 15:22 | 小站社区iPhone客户端

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GRE写作征文大赛  
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WEEK 5  9月28日~10月4日
Argument
An international development organization, in response to a vitamin A deficiency among people in the impoverished nation of Tagus, has engineered a new breed of millet high in vitamin A. While seeds for this new type of millet cost more, farmers will be paid subsidies for farming the new variety of millet. Since millet is already a staple food in Tagus, people will readily adopt the new variety. To combat vitamin A deficiency, the government of Tagus should do everything it can to promote this new type of millet.

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.


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The argument presents a new breed of millet having high content of Vitamin A. However, in nation of Tagus, despite the poverty, they are feeding on millet, abundant and easily available, being deficient in Vitamin A. Vitamin A is imperative as it treats eyes related disorders. The problem lies in the marketing of newly developed cereal. In the next few paragraphs, I shall evaluate the claims presented in the argument.

Sole basis of this argument lies in Vitamin A deficiency among the people of Tagus. Agency which controls food and drug administration in Tagus should first investigate the percent of Vitamin A in existing variety of millet. Then comes the question whether only millet, since it is a staple food, is left to be a source of Vitamin A, and in what proportion of daily diet of people in Tagus, millet is consumed. Only then a data basis can be formed for more reliable reasoning if only by altering the cereal breed, the nourishment can be provided to people.

To evaluate the situation economically, government of Tagus should seek cost and benefit analysis if it decided to adopt the new breed of cereal. Since initial cost is high and there is no reference to marginal costs involved, one cannot assume that new breed is a costly affair. Once the farming and subsequent production get in line, next comes the market research. Only by relying on the fact that people will adopt the new breed quite easily, for millet is staple food: It is not easy to predict. Understanding consumer behavior in Tagus is imperative, and government should take initiatives regarding it.

The argument emphasizes heavily to promote this new variety of millet. One should look at the motives of International development organization. As it is for social development, then Tagus can seek some initial cost cut from the organization of from the manufacturing firm itself. Therefore, after carefully combining data research, market research in accordance with social responsibility of the concerned organization, Tagus should take a decision rationally. Being a poor nation, it might well damage the economy of the country as millet is chief food here in Tagus. On a hopeful note, strong background research will unlock the path of building a healthy nation.
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This essay is much stronger than the other one I read. The main problem I see is actually in the writing, which is difficult to follow. In your intro, lay out the THREE questions you think that the government needs to address (assuming you have three). Then, only discuss ONE in each following paragraph. Be as specific as you can. The issues you seem to be addressing here are:

1) Is the increase in Vitamin A enough to cure the Vitamin A deficiency?

2) What evidence does the government have that the new breed will be adopted (For example, does it taste as good, or are people freaked out by the idea of a genetic change in their millet?)

You miss the major issue at the end, when the prompt says that the government should do everything in their power to promote this new plan. What if there's some other way to increase the Vitamin A intake of people in the country WITHOUT such a huge overhaul (getting many farmers to plant this new crop, subsidizing it with government money, etc.). Could be that simply raising awareness, or getting people to eat more of a readily available food (one that's already grown), could ALSO help the Vitamin A, and wouldn't cost so much money.

Still, a solid base here. Just be as SPECIFIC as possible, and make sure each paragraph addresses ONE question that the government needs to address.
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本帖最后由 hatsukiotowa 于 2015-10-2 00:53 编辑

The author has proposed that the deficiency ofthe vitamin A can be treated by the farming the new types of millet, however,more assumptions should be answered to strength the argument.

First of all, the argument suggests that although the new variety of millet is more expensive, it will certainly bring more benefit to the citizens. The government will also compensate for the farmers. It is true that the new millet may solve the vitamin A deficiency problem, nevertheless, the farmers may not accept subsides.They may look for the more lucrative seeds. That is to say, even the government provide a large amount money to support those farmers, they may refuse to take subsides. They may even insist breeding more economic plants. The argument need to collect the willingness of the farmers. To decide if they would like to change their crops if they are paid certain amount of subsides.

Secondly, as the author maintains that the millet is the staple food in Tagus, they would easily inure to the new type of millet. Irrefutably, they may quickly adapt to the new type of millet which provide them more vitamin A. However, it is possible that the citizen in Tagus may not able to absorb the vitamin A in the new type of millet. Or probably those citizen may have some kind of genes that they cannot absorb the vitamin efficiently.The argument can be improved if they can provide the evidence that the citizen in Tagus are able to intake thevitamin A in the new breed of millet.

In addition, the argument states that in order to solve the vitamin A deficiencyproblem, the government need to put promoting this new type of millet on the priority list. It is always important for the government to care for abouttheir citizens' health. On the other hand, is breeding and paying high subsides the most economical way the fight for the problem? Even if the farmers accept subsides and farm the new millet, they may not successfully "maintain" the new type of crops. Maybe the new type of millet is vulnerable to certain type of pests. Or it is plausible that the farmers may fail to sustain the crops until the crops are ripe. It is a high risk job to plant a new type of crops.Therefore, the government should certify that the farmers have the ability to plant and maintain the millet. If those farmers fail, it would be undoubtedly not economical for the government to choose this solution.

To sum up, despite the government sanguinely viewing on the new type of the millet, the question should be answered to further evaluate the success of the project. Attempting to maximize the effects of defeating vitaminA deficiency problem, the government need to sure if the citizen can absorb the cited nutrients from the new millet. Additionally, they need to confirm that the farmers are willing and are able to plant the new crops. By answering these questions, the argument can be strengthened and would be a plausible solution.
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