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[Omar~Omar老师已改] TASK 2: IELTS ACADEMIC WRITING TEST Some people think the most important thing a

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TASK 2: IELTS ACADEMIC WRITING TEST
Some people think the most important thing about being rich is that give person an opportunity to help other people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?


            With the development of social prosperity and the improvement of living quality, there is a rising argument that the greatest value from people being wealthy is enabling [enables] them to offer help to others,[.] [INSERT SUPPORTING STATEMENT] and I completely share this opinion based on primarily two reasons.
NOTE: The introductory paragraph consists of the general statement, the supporting statement, and the thesis statement.
            [For one thing][,] When [when] people getting [become] more successful and powerful in their business [businesses] or other careers, they tend to explore a way for greater contribution [contributions] and accomplishments toward the entire human society. Helping others, who are promising in certain fields with their knowledge and capabilities, yet, struggling in [their] financials [finances], can maximize their potentials. A decent example is that a considerable amount of university funds come from individuals with incredible business accomplishments. Thanks to such financial aids, talent [talented] students will have the access to the world class faculty [faculties] and labs, which will probably contribute to some unprecedented technologies or even life-saving medicines in [the] near future.
            Furthermore, no matter it is saving people whose life are at stake or realizing others’ goals and dreams, people can obtain greater joy for themselves after accumulating their wealth to a certain amount, that is what we called self-fulfillment at a higher level. It is common that some auto [car] industry CEOs are also the Board [board] members of charity funds and NGOs. [INSERT ILLUSTRATION OR EXAMPLE] By providing food and medical support for children at the warzone,[INS SPACE]not only [do] they make the world faster [more instantaneous] and more efficient, [but] they also bring hope to [those] people [who are] traumatizing [traumatised] from the wars and create the possibility [make it possible] for those areas to recover by children who survived.
TIP: Try to add sufficient details in each body paragraph. It is important to make the body paragraphs substantial in order to get a higher score in the Task Response criterion.
SUGGESTION: The supporting sentences are the meat of your paragraph, so you should fill them with as much evidence to support your topic sentence as possible. Depending on the topic, you can use facts, figures, statistics and examples or you can use stories, anecdotes and quotes. Anything goes, as long as it is relevant.
            In conclusion, I believe it is undoubtedly [doubtless] that the opportunity to help others by being rich [affluent] is important and profound. In addition to the satisfactory self-fulfillment [self-fulfilment], larger value is being certainly generated from money, [which is] beneficial to both individuals and the whole world.
RATER'S COMMENTS:
Each body paragraph has a pertinent topic sentence and a clinching sentence. In addition, you were able to use an ample range of vocabulary for the task. In contrast, the second body paragraph lacks further elaboration.
  
TASK RESPONSE
  
6.0
COHERENCE AND COHESION
6.5
LEXICAL RESOURCE
6.5
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
6.0
BAND SCORE
6.0

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发表于 2018-4-29 15:15 |显示全部楼层
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发表于 2018-5-16 22:16 |显示全部楼层
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