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[ZHY2018老师已批改] 托福写作——[综合+独立][TPO 3]11111

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发表于 2018-6-8 19:55 |显示全部楼层
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Question:Question: Summarise the points made in the lecture, being sure to explain how they cast doubt on specific points made in the reading passage.The reading and listening materials have a hot  deabte on whether a portrait of a woman was painted by Rembrandt. The author proposes that the painting could not be a work by Rembrandt, which is refuted by the professor in the listening.

Firstly, the author deems that the clothes of the woman in the painting is inconsistent and Rembrandt could not make this mistake. However, the author disagrees with this idea. She suggests that the further examination of the pigment by X-ray  indicates that the fur color is not the original one. The fur was colored over the top of the original painting after 100 years since it was made. And someone might want to increase the value of the painting by enabling it to be seem like a formal portrait of a woman.

Secondly, the author states that Rembrandt was the master of using light and shadow which do not fit well in this painting. Nevertheless, the professor contradicts this claim. Accoding to her, when the color painted later is removed, the original color of the fur is white which can refelct light. In this condition, the face of the woman would be illuminated and the utilization of light and shadow is realistic as expected.

Thirdly, the author argues that the paitnting was paitnted on a panel made of several wood pieces, which was odd compared with other paintings of Rembrandt. On the contrary, this statement is rejected by the professor. She  claims that the painting was enlagred with extra wood pieces. Someone did so in order to make the painting grand and valuable.And the only single panel of the original portrait was from the same tree used for the panel of his another self portrait with hat.


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发表于 2018-6-14 15:26 |显示全部楼层
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发表于 2018-6-14 18:41 |显示全部楼层
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[hide]The reading and listening materials have a hot deabtedebate on whether a portrait of a woman was painted by Rembrandt. The author proposes that the painting could not be a work by Rembrandt, which is refuted by the professor in the listening. 

【说明论题,双方观点不同】

Firstly, the author deems that the clothes of the woman in the painting is inconsistent +with her identityand Rembrandt could not make this mistake. However, the author disagrees with this idea. She suggests that the further examination of the pigment by X-ray  indicates that the fur colorcollar is not the original oneoriginal. The fur was coloredadded over the top of the original painting after 100 years since it was made. AndThis is because,过渡词使用不当,后者是造成前者的原因,二者并非并列关系】 someone might want to increase the value of the painting by enabling it to be seem likelook like a formal portrait of a +aristocraticwoman.

【大意正确,但是语言不精练;逻辑表述不到位,没有理清两者之间的关系,表述啰嗦细节处理不当;注意细节】

Secondly, the author states that Rembrandt was the master of using light and shadow which do not fit well in this painting. Nevertheless, the professor contradicts this claim. AccodingAccording to her, when the color painted later is removed, the original color of the fur is white which can refelctreflect light. In this conditionUnder such circumstances, the face of the woman would be illuminated and the utilization of light and shadow is realistic as expected.

【两种观点之间的转折关系明显,意思表述清楚】

Thirdly, the author argues that the paitntingpainting was paitntedpainted on a panel made of several wood pieces, which was odd compared with other paintings of Rembrandt. On the contrary, this statement is rejected by the professor. She claims that the painting was enlagredenlarged with extra wood pieces. Someone did so in order to make the painting grand and valuable. And the only single panel of the original portrait was from the same tree used for the panel of his another self portraitself-portrait with hat.

【概括内容大致正确,前后的对立关系明显】

 

 

字数289           写作内容偏多

5分制得分

2.75

30分制得分

18

等级

Fair

 

老师点评:

1.     Task response:写作内容和主题相关

2.    Organization and development:文章将整体结构清晰完整,能够在三个主体段中找到分别转述概括文章和听力材料的内容

3.    Accuracy and completeness:总结要点基本正确,存在信息遗漏

4.    Use of language:没有严重的语法错误,能够传递信息;存在较多的拼写错误以及用词不当

Strength:
结构完整,思路清晰,抓住了主旨

To be improved:

1、语言不精简,概括不够精炼

2、有些地方用词不当

Suggestions for improvement:写完后检查,避免拼写错误频频出现;加强词汇词组的积累与运用;多阅读优秀范文,提高概括总结能力

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